I've already started writing it.

I have the education, the time and the desire to become a published author, I just don't know if I have the talent and ability to write a book that people would actually want to read. I am going to give it a shot though, and I am determined enough to see it through to whatever end it may have. So, yes. I'm going to write a book. Maybe twenty.

My faimily and I were incredibly blessed a few hours ago. My step-father gave us a total of $3,000.00 dollars. $2,500 for my daughter (we are putting in it an account for her future,) and $500 dollars cash to do with as we please. It'll pretty much go towards making Christmas that much merrier.  I am very thankful, but I didn't expect a thing and had I expected anything, that would not have been it!

I'm tired, but can't seem to drift off to sleep. I find it disturbing. I guess I just have entirely too many thoughts, hopes, dreams and plans running through my head. I want to do so much, I have no idea when or how I'll manage to do it all.

New Years Resolution!

Quit Smoking! - I've been smoking for about 13 years now. I think it's far past time to quit. I do wish I had never started, but wishing is seldom helpful.  

I suppose that since I am unable to sleep, I'll go work on my little book writing project for a bit and then try to drift off again.

Im going up this weekend. I just have to take care of some stuff I couldnt when I left. Im really not looking forward to it. Well, not in most ways.
I might have the chance to see some of my friends. So it will be nice to see familiar faces.
At the same time, I am nervous. And stressed out. I dont know what will happen.

Even when its brutal and bitter. I am not by nature a deceptive person. I have never been a good or convincing liar.

I want to tell the truth to everyone, even when it hurts. I really dont have a problem with this. Its just that, I have to be willing to tell the truth to myself too.

The problem with that being, someimes I dont even know what the truth is.

He text messaged me today, out of the blue. He has rarely ever done that, so I really wasnt expecting that. For such a short, simple message it really left me dumbstruck. I really didnt know how to respond at first. I was excited, scared, nervous...you name it. I really miss him. I am ashamed to admit it but dont see any point in denile, I know when Im lying to myself. I wish I could see him.

Im not, but its that I dont seem to be able to be happy with what Ive been given that makes me feel that way. I pray about this. I pray that God will help me to understand his plan for me, give me the stregnth to deal with my own shortcomings and the patience I seem to lack with everything. I feel like I need more time for living life and it just isnt available.

Despite still feeling awful I am still managing to focus on him. Him being Mark, him being far away and not mine. Its been a while, months since I have seen him but I still think of him everyday. Is that normal?

I mean aside from the tachycardia Ive been experiencing. I think its a little bit broken. I miss certain people I hung out with in Maryland so very much. I was kind of in love with someone there and it subked to leave him behind. I prolly wouldnt have left if I thought he fekt the same but I have no idea whathe felt. But I miss him just the same. I know thats not real cool since Im with someone else, but I cant help it. Thats how I feel and I dont know how to change it. Thats it for now.

I just moved to NC in october. Its ok here, my daughter and I live with my boyfriend. I really dont know anyone here. Its pretty lonelx. If I were to say that to my boyfriend it would start an arguement. Sad but true. anyway. I guess thats why I wanted a blog. Im using a cell phone to do this and my fingers are killing me, so more later!